“Mom, I can’t do this. It’s too hard!”

If you’ve ever heard your kid use this phrase when they face a challenging math problem or random struggle, you know how frustrating it can be to watch them give up too easily.

You want your kid to build up some resilience and develop an ‘I can’ attitude.

But how? Do you ignore them or urge them to sit staring at their math worksheet until they’ve figured it out? Do you step in (too) quickly and do it for them to reduce their (and your) frustration?

What if there were a better way? Imagine the same scenario playing out during holiday prep. What if giving up, your kid stepped up, problem-solved, adjusted, and even enjoyed the process of finding a solution?

You’d be thrilled. Maybe high-fiving your kid. Maybe breathing a sigh of relief that they helped you figure out how to stretch your Thanksgiving menu when your great Aunt Mathilda and her five kids show up at the last minute. Maybe your kid helps you get creative when you realize you forgot to buy the right spices for the cranberry sauce…

And you realize they are resilient AND that it’s going to be okay even if the cranberry sauce is more of a spicy salsa than a sweet/tart dressing.

Challenges to helping kids develop a growth mindset

The truth is—a lot of kids struggle with perseverance because they aren’t given enough opportunities to face challenges in supportive, real-world settings.

Parents, myself included, often think it’s faster and easier to do it ourselves, especially during stressful prep at the holidays.

I did this more times than I care to admit. Park the kids and try to move fast in the kitchen. Keep distractions to a minimum. Maybe even feel relieved when the kids stay outside playing a game of catch longer so you can finish food prep before guests arrive and take a minute to yourself.

It may be faster, even easier in the moment.

But the long-term result? Your kids miss out on the chance to build confidence, problem-solving skills, and the resilience they need to face real-life challenges. Learning these life skills—through life experiences—gives kids transferrable skills that will carry over to their math problems and academics in general.

The solution to helping your kid learn resilience?

You guessed it. Involve your kid in holiday prep—at every step. Even if it is harder and more challenging in the moment.

Shift your perspective

Instead of seeing holiday prep as your ‘to-do’ list that you need to crush as quickly and painlessly as possible, without distraction, change your mindset.

View holiday prep, or any other life situation, as the perfect moment to involve your kid in a hands-on learning experience.

Let go of the idea that your Thanksgiving table needs to look perfect. That every dish should be perfectly plated. Embrace the idea that the entire holiday is a work in progress.

Every step that your kid gets to participate in, from menu planning, budgeting, and shopping for ingredients to chopping veggies and cooking, is a great opportunity.

It’s even better when you shift your mindset. Rethink what the holiday, say Thanksgiving dinner, is. Instead of seeing it as just the sit-down dinner, a packaged ‘presentation,’ see the holiday as the entire process—something you do with your child.

A ‘successful’ holiday becomes the involvement you give your kid.

Include your kid in, say, making mashed potatoes. They might be thrilled. And really, so what if the dish turns out a bit too mushy or not creamy enough? If your kid learned to do it and got through a bit of uncertainty and figured it out—something to celebrate—and be thankful for.

Letting go of perfection and involving your child is more important than getting everything ‘just right.’

Why it works

The fact that holiday prep and dinner can be stressful makes it an ideal opportunity.

It gives you a chance to demonstrate to your child how you handle stress and how you adjust and pivot when unforeseen situations arise. You demonstrate your ‘I can’ attitude.

When you involve your child, you work together. They learn from you. The fact that it is a real-life scenario is ideal because resilience is, after all, a life skill.

Make your child part of the team

I missed a lot of chances to do this, especially with holiday planning. I never thought I’d be the parent who parks their kids out of the way, but I did. There were times I was relieved my kids watched the next episode of Dora or Sponge Bob in the next room… so I had more uninterrupted time to think and work in the kitchen.

And I remember the difference it made when I involved them and asked them for help.

They got onboard right away. They were eager to participate. Excited to make cranberry sauce the way my grandmother had—we got out her old cast iron grinder even. And the kids clamped it to the table’s edge.

They put a bowl underneath and started hand-grinding a combination of fresh cranberries and clementines (it’s one of my all-time favorite recipes). And struggled to get all the cranberries into the grinder without spilling them.

Juice went everywhere. Our dog came in and started investigating. She ate a few stray cranberries that rolled under the table and walked through the growing puddle of cranberry juice, tracking bright pink juice across the floor.

The grinder shifted back and forth while they worked. The bowl looked like it was about to fall. Things were—not going according to plan. The perfect opportunity to problem-solve.

My first reaction? Something like, ‘Sh*t, this is a mess, and I don’t have more cranberries if this gets ruined.’  Not proud of that.

My second reaction? The whole thing was funny and fun. The kids were having a blast. They were solving it. They got it worked out. They collaborated. The dog got put in the other room, the floor got mopped.

They did rescue the situation by working together. They got the dog out, and the mess cleaned up and moved on to spicing the cranberry sauce.

The result? My kids were excited to have made the sauce. The whole thing was a riot. They learned a lot. Not just how to make cranberry sauce the old-fashioned way, but how to adjust, build resilience and collaborate.

What you can do

Involve your child at every stage. Ask them to do meaningful tasks like setting the table, decorating, meal planning, or prep. Whatever it is, the more opportunities you find to include them and work with them, the better.

Even the smallest tasks, if you include your kid, are opportunities for them to contribute. When kids feel like they are making a difference, it is powerful.

And because it is real life, not math, they may have a far easier time feeling invested. They may be more motivated to keep working at something even when things go a bit wonky.

Your child will feel valued and important. They will be building a growth mindset and the life skills they need to face challenging math problems, too.

A growth mindset in real time is key

Holidays are full of teachable moments. Because, like the cranberry sauce or a burnt apple pie, anything can go sideways at any moment.

This is actually a positive in the big picture. Even though it can be maddening in the moment, it gives you a chance to problem-solve with your child. Chances are your kid will also be invested in eating the apple pie or cranberry sauce—and probably more invested than when facing a tough math problem.

Perfect. You can brainstorm alternatives together. The whole thing can shift from being about the final ‘product’ to the work in progress and time spent ‘figuring it out’ with your kid.

Your kid will learn from real life that mistakes and challenges are part of the process. They will learn not to give up but to get creative instead.

Creative problem-solving to the rescue

So next time the cranberry sauce ends up on the floor, or the apple pie is way too crispy, laugh about it.

Above all, resist the urge to step in and solve the problem immediately or fix everything for your kid. That sends a message that the end result and perfection are more important than the process and time together.

If your kid is truly struggling and the mashed potatoes are about to turn into superglue, ask them open-ended questions and problem-solve with them. Prompt them to help them find solutions instead of jumping in and taking the task out of their hands and control.

Embrace the whole holiday as a celebration of working together.

Celebrate effort, not perfection

The whole reason to include your child is to share in the process, make it a fun time, and hopefully help them learn some key life skills like resilience. The more your child feels included, the greater effort they’ll put in. The long-term benefits are huge. That’s worth everything.

It’s about sharing the process with your kid, not about a perfectly plated dinner.

It’s not always easy. In the moment, it may make things more challenging. But it’s worth it.

So take the (upcoming) opportunity to give your kid more life skills that, in time, will transfer to how they approach math or anything else they do in life. Your child can learn resilience from even the most unexpected moments in life. The rewards are worth the added time and potential chaos!

Happy Holidays and Happy Learning!

This article was originally published here. Republished with permission from the author.