Whenever I’ve really wanted my kids to try something new — whether it was starting a business, launching a podcast, or picking up a new hobby — I’ve learned to pause before saying, “You should.”
Not because I avoid guiding them. But because I’ve seen how much more powerful it is when the idea feels like it came from them.
So instead of saying, “You should start a business,” I’d ask,
“What if there was a fun way to share that idea of yours with other kids?”
Or,
“If you could turn one of your interests into something that helps others, what would it be?”
It’s a subtle shift, but a transformational one.
Because when kids believe they chose the challenge, their motivation lasts longer. They own it. They care differently.
That’s something Dr. John Demartini, one of the world’s leading experts on human behavior, explains beautifully.
He teaches that every person, including every child, has their own hierarchy of values.
In other words: what they truly care about most naturally drives their focus, their energy, and their sense of purpose.
And when we, as parents, learn to guide through those values instead of through shoulds, everything changes.
Let’s explore how.
"Do I Have to?"
"My daughter’s new favorite phrase is, ‘Do I have to?’ It doesn’t matter if it’s homework or helping with dinner, that’s her answer. I’ve tried explaining why things matter, but she still pushes back. How can I motivate her without every conversation turning into a debate?"— Cindy K.
When a child asks, “Do I have to?”, what they’re really wondering is: “Does this connect to me?”
Dr. John Demartini calls this our hierarchy of values, the natural order of what matters most to us. Every child has one, and it quietly drives what they focus on, enjoy, and resist.
When kids act in line with their values, their energy flows.
When they’re pulled away from them, resistance shows up.
So instead of pushing harder, get curious.
“What part of this feels boring to you?”
Once they feel heard, help them connect the task to what they do value.
If your child values creativity, invite them to draw or retell what they learned.
If they value fun, add a timer, game, or challenge.
If they value helping others, show how their actions make life easier for someone else.
And for the times when the task still doesn’t excite them, that’s okay too.
You can say, “I know this isn’t your favorite, but doing hard things gives you more freedom later to do what you love.”
Even a little curiosity can turn resistance into growth.
Sometimes, I’ll encourage families to use AI tools as “curiosity buddies” to turn lessons into stories, create short quizzes, or find videos that make learning feel fresh again.
It’s not about shortcuts. It’s about finding meaning.
🌱 Try This Tiny Habit Recipe
After I hear “Do I have to?”
I will take a breath and ask myself, “What’s their value in this moment?”
Then I’ll link what needs to be done to what matters most to them.
When kids see their own values reflected in their daily life, they stop asking “Do I have to?”
They start saying, “I got this.” 💛
Have a parenting challenge you'd love some fresh insight on? Email your question my way—I’d love to help!
Camp SuperNova Is Back — and It’s Out of This World!
This Thanksgiving, Camp SuperNova brings young innovators (ages 6–12) together from around the world to dream, design, and build real businesses—all while having the time of their lives.
In just five days, campers journey through 11 fun milestones of entrepreneurship, discovering passions, solving real-world problems, and pitching their big ideas with confidence.
📅 Nov 24–28, 2025 • Live & Virtual
🎒 Perfect for schools and homeschools (group packages available)
💳 ESA-approved in Ohio and Arizona
Give your kids the experience that turns curiosity into confidence—and big dreams into real-world action.
👉 Reserve their seat at Camp SuperNova »
Every time we guide with values instead of pressure, we offer our children something deeper than obedience.
We offer them a chance to see themselves in what they do.
And since October is ADHD Awareness Month, it’s a good reminder that every mind works a little differently, and that’s something worth celebrating, not correcting. Guiding with values helps us honor that difference and still move forward together.
Before you go, be sure to RSVP for our Nov 2nd REKindle Webinar! You don't want to miss this brilliant new way to empower your family this holiday season.
Until next time, enjoy the start of cozy season, pumpkin mugs, crunchy leaves, and maybe a few friendly ghosts of “shoulds” you can finally let go of. 🎃💛
This edition of our newsletter is proudly sponsored by our empowerment partner. Their support helps us bring you valuable resources and opportunities to support your journey in raising empowered kids.
Member discussion